Guest Blogging on ScaryMommy.com Today

If you’re a parent to a daughter, you probably already dread the day she’ll come home with her first boyfriend. You’ll probably have some sort of a speech ready, and steel yourself to the eye-rolling that follows.

But at least you may still be qualified to give your daughter relationship advice.

Click through to Scary Mommy to read my post about why A and I will never be able to give P any sort of credible advice when it comes to boys.

A word about Scary Mommy, Jill Smokler. In a world of bloggers and Bloggers, Jill is a BLOGGER. She is a force of nature—a gazillion Facebook fans, advertisers clamoring for space on her site, and an upcoming book, Confessions of a Scary Mommy.

Needless to say, I’m flabbergasted to be guest blogging Scary Mommy today. To put it in Northern California foodie-speak (the only language some of you—you know who you are—speak), it’s like I opened a food truck, and after five months Alice Waters asked if I wanted to whip up a meal at Chez Panisse one night. Yeah, it’s like that.

Anyway, take a sec to click through and read “True Love.” And feel smug in knowing that you’re not us.

Marathon Pants

My marathon pants are one step away from total disintegration. And it makes me sad. The pants in question are not pants used to run a marathon. They’re the jeans that I fit into after I completed my first (and so far, only) marathon. That was almost three years ago, or more than a lifetime—my daughter’s lifetime, that is.

The pants were also my post-preggo goal pants. The ones that would confirm that I had pretty much lost all my baby weight.

When I was pregnant, I gained a whopping 55 pounds. I was so completely horrified by this number that I uttered this fact for the first time a couple of months ago, when I took a mini-vacation with good girlfriends in Southern California.

I felt strange telling them, my closest friends in the world, about the horribly large number. Fifty. Five. Pounds.

That is a lot of weight. I can assure you that I eat well (I can see all the judging “Yeah, rights” and eye-rolling now—but no matter, I know how I eat). I wasn’t eating entire boxes of sugary cereal of a dozen donuts at a time. I’m the type of person who doesn’t believe in shortcuts in the kitchen—no processed foods, no canned products other than tomatoes, no frozen meals.

I make my own pizza dough. I cook dried beans. I make my own stock. Heck, I’m even growing vegetables.

When I was pregnant with P, I was eating the same home-made balanced meals that I always make, and swimming a couple of times a week (up until week 34). But the weight just coming. And coming. And coming.

Anyway, after I gave birth to P, I lost about 30 pounds in a few weeks—which would have been fantastic had I only gained the recommended 30 pounds. The remaining 25 pounds decided to stick around, laughing at me every time I looked in the mirror, and practically jeering when I dared to think about those marathon pants.

When P was born, I was only employed part time. In those early weeks, I would go for walks around the neighborhood to get fresh air and get used to moving again. I tried running, but the extra weight was making things difficult on my joints (and those running clothes frankly looked obscene on me). And to be honest, I’m the type of person who is super motivated by paying for a gym membership.

So a gym membership was the very first thing I purchased when finally landing a full-time job. The YMCA close to work (in Chinatown, San Francisco) had just undergone a multi-million dollar renovation. It was gorgeous, with a saline pool and empty locker rooms. All at fabulous Y prices.

Starting in September 2010, I started hitting the gym 3-4 times a week. I tried everything: Master swim, boot camp, spinning, Pilates, cardio kickbox. I even tried three minutes of a Zumba class before realizing that a person with zero rhythm has no business doing something that dance oriented.

I was definitely toning up and gaining muscle, but still not losing any weight. Various pants were starting to fit much better, but the marathon pants were still out of reach. I still needed an extra something, a little boost, an oomph if you will.

Finally, when A was away in New York for four months, I saw an opportunity to do something I’d never done before: a cleanse. I’m not talking about one of those crazy cayenne and lemon drink cleanses (which I am convinced will pierce a hole through your gut), but one with actual food. Namely, a combination of yogurt, almonds, spinach, raspberries, and eggs for five days. Followed by water. Lots and lots of water.

And it actually worked. I lost about ten pounds in five days, and continued to drop weight (though reverting back to a normal diet)—for a total of 18 pounds lost in a couple of months.

That was eight months ago now, and the weight has stayed off (yee haw!!). I’m only seven pounds away from my pre-preggo weight, and started fitting back into the marathon pants a few months ago.

I wore them everywhere. The office, shopping, weekend visits with friends—everywhere. And little by little, those beloved pants started fraying at the seams, getting nubbly at the bum, and practically unraveling only as your favorite pants are wont to do. Especially when the manufacturer doesn’t make the same style anymore (c’mon Gap. Really?).

I still can’t bear to throw them away, though. I cut off the bottom eight inches, and now have the fanciest pair of gardening pants on the block. I may run another marathon someday and have a new pair of “marathon pants,” but you never forget your first love.

My Brilliant Second Career

This was written as par of Open Salon’s open call. 

Within a few weeks of starting as a freshman in college, I became my dorm’s go-to person for editing papers. It all started with a paper for my roommate, who then spread the word. Soon enough, random acquaintances would stop by with a printout in their hand (oh, those days before “track changes”!), sheepishly asking if I had a second to look at their history, rhetoric, English literature, [fill in class here] paper.

I never said no. I genuinely loved editing papers and giving suggestions as to how to make their efforts stand out.

You would think that some light bulb would have magically gone off, telling me that writing and editing were what I should have done with my life.

Alas, it was not meant to be.

In my 34 years of life on this earth, I have spent 21 years in school: elementary, middle, and high school, college, three-year degree in Italy (which required an American bachelors but counts less than a master’s), and a master’s degree. College and beyond were spent trying to figure out exactly what I should be doing, and I thought I had hit the jackpot: art and architectural conservation.

How cool would that be? Diagnosing and preserving artistic and architectural treasures, saving cultural heritage for future generations, and patting myself on the back the entire time.

When I finally decided what it was that I wanted to do, I was living in Italy. What better place than Italy to pursue this passion? The Italians have the lion share of historically significant cultural heritage in the world, and most of it is decaying. Surely, getting an Italian degree from an Italian university would give me an “in” to the field. Having an internship in one of two Italian government research agencies would definitely secure a job as a conservator.

In order to pay for my studies and contribute something to the household income while I was a student in Italy, I worked as a translator and editor (!) for a news agency. I loved doing the work and I loved my coworkers, but it came too easily to me. I could bang out a translation of a politician’s incoherent ramblings in about ten minutes.

Surely if it was that easy, I wasn’t meant to do it. Making a living meant having to work really hard and struggle, right? Well then, I was on my way to going into the right business!

I definitely progressed from a wide-eyed, eager-beaver student to a weary and pessimistic graduate in no time. After graduation, I found that since I didn’t have Italian citizenship, many doors were closed to me as far as government jobs were concerned. And lobbying by a small group of people made it so that if conservators in Italy hadn’t graduated from one of three schools (and my university was not one of them), they were considered in the same category as bricklayers, and given the same pay.

So what does an insane person do in these circumstances? Go for MORE schooling, of course. I thought that a master’s degree from an American university would definitely put me on the right track this time. Off we went to New York, where I proceeded to get an MSc from an Ivy League school, have an internship at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and give talks in international conferences.

I felt good. I was on my way. My husband was an angel for letting me pursue my dreams, but it was all paying off now! A job offer at a prestigious architectural firm in San Francisco! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Fast-forward to 2009, when the entire world was reeling from stock market crashes, housing market woes, and general economic malaise. What happens when there’s no private or government money for…anything? The arts get cut. What is included in the arts? Everything I was interested in.

I was laid off in February 2009 because my firm didn’t have any more projects. Once I got laid off, A asked me, “What if you can’t find work in this sector anymore?”

I meekly replied, “I can always write.”

Even I knew how crazy that sounded. I knew writers. It wasn’t like their lives were so easy and they had their pick of plum jobs. Years of toil, little pay, and heartbreak were generally associated with writing and editing.

As it turned out, I couldn’t find a fulltime job in conservation. I applied to anything and everything out there. Government posts, private jobs, fulltime, contract work, anything. People didn’t even have the decency to write and turn me down. It was just total silence from the moment I’d send in an application.

I did, however, find a part-time job as a conservator with a fantastic boss. She trusted my judgment, let me make decisions, and treated me amazingly well (all things definitely lacking at my first job). At the same time, it was still a part-time job. With a newborn daughter, I needed more than that—something with benefits and paid leave, etc.

One day, I randomly looked on Craigslist for “writer” positions in San Francisco. Apparently, I hadn’t let go of the pipe dream that I could, indeed, write if I wanted. A job posting popped up for “Creative Writer.”

I thought, I’m a writer, I’m creative, why not? I applied. And mercifully, the people on the receiving end of the application were out-of-the-box thinkers who were willing to give a chance to someone with very little writing experience.

After a while, my role morphed into a copywriter and editor. Little by little, I gained confidence in my writing skills and ideas. I restarted my blog. I felt good. In my element.

The light bulb finally went off. My brilliant second career should have been my first one.

 

Green Thumb?

When A and I were looking for a house, we were generally in agreement on the majority of the details we hoped it would possess, but none more than this: we didn’t want a big yard.

I mean, really. It’s so much work. Who wants to be shackled to their home every weekend, mowing the lawn, raking the leaves, and pruning the bushes?

Well, so much for picking a house with a small yard. When we fell in love with our house, the yard–all 7,000 square feet of it–played a rather big part in our decision-making process.

When you have that much space in your backyard, you really have no excuse not to garden. And at this juncture, I would like to share my gardening philosophy: if the end result doesn’t include something edible, it certainly isn’t worth my time.

I am putting this philosophy to good use right now. I’ve become somewhat obsessive about planting a winter veggie garden. Who knew it would be so addictive? As in, waking up in the morning and heading outside to look at the beautiful plants type of addictive. Watering the budding garden early in the morning to the leaves won’t fry in the afternoon sun type of addictive. And then watering again when I get home to quench the thirst of those greedy little salad leaves.

Anyway, thanks to advice, seeds, compost, and tools from my sister (whose front yard was once photographed by a Martha Stewart Living editor who happened to be strolling by), my winter veggie garden is well on its way.

You might say I got a bit excited. There are currently 21 veggies growing in the garden: beets, cilantro, parsley, carrots, tomatoes (yeah, I know it’s not a winter veggie, but they’re growing), potatoes, garlic, green chard, stir fry greens, green chard, radishes, broccoli, rucola, radicchio, romaine lettuce, butterhead lettuce, freckle lettuce, green frilly lettuce, onions, kale, and a couple of more things I can’t remember right now.

My well-organized winter veggie garden.

At this point, I should also mention that I don’t consider myself to be a green thumb by any means. If we must color my thumb, I would say black is a more appropriate color.

Plants come to me to die.

In the past 18 months, I’ve received three beautiful orchids, all of which are now sticks in a pot.

One time we had a dinner party when we lived in Italy, and our guests brought us a beautiful potted plant. We put it in the living/dining room, where we were having our meal. There was much eating, drinking, and on our guests’ part, smoking. So much so that the poor plant became oxygen deprived (I don’t want to know what our lungs looked like after that night). We went to bed and when we woke up the next morning, the poor plant was completely yellow and lifeless.

Poor thing didn’t even last twelve hours.

But I have high hopes for the veggie garden. I’m motivated. I’m ready. I’m not letting any smokers near that garden. Beautiful salads await.

Golden Gates

Once in a while, I repost my blog posts on Open Salon as a way to drum up business here. A while back, I saw their Open Call for submissions titled “I was bullied,” (or something similar). In it, poignant blog posts talk about the pain of being bullied as a child, with some people interviewing their childhood bullies to boot.

It made me think back to when I was in middle school, navigating tweendom and trying to fit in. Thankfully, I don’t have any horrid stories about being bullied, but I do remember being teased. Mercilessly.

The teasing was done by a group of three boys in junior high. I don’t remember their names, but could probably point them out in a yearbook. We weren’t friend, and didn’t really associate with one another except in class. We—along with a few other kids—shared a long table in art class. I was in seventh grade, and they were in eighth, pretty much giving them god-like power over us, their younger peers.

At some point during the trimester-long class, they stopped using my name and started calling me “Golden Gates.”

Huh? I laughed it off, because to be honest, I had no idea—nada, zip, zilch!—as to why they chose to nickname me after one of the world’s most recognized monuments.

Until finally, pretty much at the end of the trimester, it dawned on me: they were teasing me because of my unibrow.

I was ashamed for a variety of reasons. Yes, I sported a unibrow, but I had optimistically convinced myself that it was invisible to anyone but me. You mean you can see it, too? The shock! The horror! I was also rather upset for not getting the joke for so long. I considered myself a pretty smart kid, but apparently, not a very witty one.

And I was upset that I couldn’t laugh it off anymore. Once I finally got it, every time they called me Golden Gates I would feel my face burn with shame and start sweating. Just what every tween girl dreams of doing in school.

I’ve only known of two people who could totally rock a unibrow: Frieda Kahlo (of course!) and a girl in high school who bravely kept hers all four years. She was popular, on student body council, and on various sports teams. And she was incredibly friendly, with a great bubbly personality. From what I can glean on her Facebook page, she now has some of the best looking eyebrows around (the best revenge!).

These days, I look back and chuckle at the nickname, and the sophistication level of the eighth grade boys who came up with it. And in my internal dialogue with those boys, I say, “Yes, shocker, Iranian women are hairy. Get over it.” Apparently, even after 20 years I don’t have a snappy comeback for them.

But I worry about P. Poor kid, the daughter of an Iranian and an Italian will keep her aesthetician’s kids in private school for many years. Maybe even through college.

When I was pregnant and before I found out we’d have a daughter, I confided to a friend that I was hoping for a boy. The biggest reason? I just didn’t want a daughter to have to deal with all the shaving and plucking and tweezing and waxing that goes along with being a Middle Eastern woman. I have vivid memories of my mom and aunt having threading sessions (that’s right, threading was popular in the Middle East way before it became the hot thing to do in malls across the country), grooming mixed with gossip and hot cups of tea.

The kids were always in the periphery, in awe of what the adults were combining in front of the mirror.

But the fact is that the whole grooming thing is all just so exhausting, and so unlike the “we like short shorts!” commercials for hair-removal cream. Who likes to sing and prance around as they use hair-removal cream? Oh that’s right: no one.

I actually have a hair-removal cream horror story. I mean, those gals look like they have so much fun with it! Why not try it?

I had just started shaving my legs (I don’t remember how old I was), and thought the whole shaving thing to be so laborious—I still do. So I tried the hair-removal cream. I didn’t really read the directions very well, and didn’t rinse off as much as I should have.

I was in a hurry, since I was heading out to play tennis with my dad and sister. I hadn’t told anyone of my adventures with Nair, and just ran out of the house so we could start playing as scheduled. Just in case you didn’t know what chemical that melt your hair do to your skin when not washed off: they melt your skin. Yup.

I started having horrible looking welts on the front of my legs. The entire time we were supposed to be playing, I was on the sidelines with some ice (thankfully we always took a lot of water), rubbing my legs. The first and last time hair-removal cream and I ever crossed paths.

Anyway, back to P. A told me not to worry, that we’d start an electrolysis fund alongside her college savings. P’s almost two now, and her college funds are looking healthy, but her electrolysis funds definitely need a boost.

It’s already a given that my sweet P will have a unibrow when she’s in school. She will very likely be teased for it. I hope that she grows up to be a teen who has enough gumption and confidence to rock it like my friend in high school.

The boys in her art class may call her Frieda in art class, but hopefully for completley different reasons.